Happy?

How can a person be happy when he spend ALL his life drown in his own world and all he listens to, are sad music? i "woke up" one day, sulking from my music playlist, isn't there anything happy to listen besides sad melodies and breaking up songs? The other were love songs, slow jazz and metal full of hatred.

How low can i sink now? i went to work yesterday telling myself that i need to move on with my life , i shall not complain anymore, it's up to me to improve my life, time to try lots of things out? even if it tired me out? Once and for all i want to settle this, when i go into the army next year, i'm so going to tell all my injuries and report them one by one but i'm still able to exercise, i'm going to prove it. However to make it all work out, i need the support of my friends. Going to exercise alot is never easy, emo-ing alone is.

I'm gonna earn alot of money, i let fate drag me along too far, its time i break through. this time i need it to be a master of my life, no more empty bank account at the end of the month, no more saving money, no more getting laugh at over my weight but height i cannot do anything. insoles perhaps?

I hereby challenge LIFE, come on! BRING IT ON!

It's a miracle! Almost so perfect ^^

Last night, i was revitalize! its was her on Fb, yes! we had a nice chat of course, my image was still pretty good! whahahahaha!! she can survive without the internet, that's not good, whenever i'm hook up, it's her i think of! i'm one step closer to noona. YEAH!!

Boom...! today L.O.V.E is in the air! i feel not so lost today, a clear path was shown by the cupids to me!

Little cupids, will you guide me to her and let me stay there forever?

A Picture of her, No one know i got this, so lets keep it a secret =)

can you feel the heartache tonight?

I visited a land, few thousand miles away from mine, 2901.43 miles to be exact, far away in a land that i never been before, i found something that will last me a life time, a memory, a story to tell, a tale that might be forgotten. Perhaps, perhaps its was fate that brought me that, it was fate that drawn me to her and fate is now the cruel factor that leave me torn and broken apart.

Was it love? Maybe it was due to the fact that i might never see her again, maybe it was because I'm starting to get use to her saying Ann-Yeong (good night) to me before i go to bed. My dumb dumb heart felt something as i was about to leave, it was a heart filled with heartache and misery and the feeling of missing someone, i wanna hear her voice again!! i wanna share alot of things to her and now, all i have is my email which she has yet to reply. On the day i came back, i couldn't stand that feeling of missing someone, never thot that i 'll feel so miserable again after losing candace.

But i can do nothing, i cannot say i wanna abandon my life here and go search for her, she has her life there and worst part, this is one sided. Many things tell me its not gonna be possible for me, but i tried so long and so hard for my dead heart to finally love and admire someone, should i just give up? i still have a long long way to go in life and she? she is near the marriage age. is 6 years gonna be a barrier and then there's the language barrier, height barrier or even looks.

how fair is life to me? i'm poor, short and ugly plus fat and someone else might just have the opposite. i live in a country where i have to serve a 2 life jail life where others could have gone so far with that time? i'm no longer young and i have accomplish nothing?

I don't wanna give up but even my buddy tells me to be realistic. what is reality? a world feels with misery? i wanna live in my own fantasy, to have a dream or even mulitple dreams, i need to be ensure that i might get results, i don't wanna risk it all, if i fail i need a back up plan but that is not applicable in love.

what is l.o.v.e ? love is being lost over various emotions, a path of confusing and hurt, a road where the ending is usually the end of many other things and i have to endure this torment? I board the bus feeling lonely and miserable, i would like some companion, i use to love bus journeys, now i dread about going onto a bus... i need it.. i need a companion. i need her.

Perhaps all these are just lies conjured up in my life to love again, come to think of it, candace has move on, maybe she's still with that guy maybe she's not, perhaps its my turn to forgive myself, to let go of myself, to help myself, WHAT IS IT!? WHAT IS THE ANSWER!?!?!? DO I PITY MY SELF!?!?!?

Fuck it! i love her now... even if it doesn't last or even if its just a crush!? i HATE myself!

BANG!!! AI YA!!

A fucked up person that i've known for 22 years...

Why am i so fucked up... ??

Am i being difficult... yes

What do i want... i dunno

Will i change... hard to say

I starting to ponder how my mind works... why must it be so fucked up... i know the things i say and do, hurts her but something changed along... even if she is still the same person, somethings cannot be done in the same way again... many times i tell myself that i should be a whole lot nicer to her but i cannot...

Firstly, there really isn't much of a topic between us... it just for the sake of doing something we gathered... i use to talk 'crap' in a certain way with her but now it is impossible to do so... i can't do back the same things i always do... just doesn't feel right anymore...

Awkward and silence is the 2 things to describe it... to being with... if we don't click very well... there really isn't much for us to say... secondly... there's something about girls who are attached that keeps me away from them... The problem lies with me... i think i've got a huge piece of rock on my chest and that i have no strength to remove it...

I hope that if she reads this post , she would understand... but then again.. she probably won't know it's her and whatever i am saying...

I wanna apologize... but i just can't say this out...

can i say it here instead!?

I'm SORRY! but i dunno whether i will change or not...

I'm too complicated to know myself...