What is that four letter word again?

Sometimes i ask myself, how many times have i stay hidden in a corner peeping at her...
How often have i felt the disappointment whenever a unknown person is beside her...
What are those feelings? Jealousy,Envy or just plain Lust? Is this kind of feeling a curse or is this considered bliss? Can i ever stop feeling like hiding behind there for good? how many hours, minutes and seconds have i spent thinking of something that i might be just out of reached?

What qualities do i possess that is gonna make it happen, have my physical traits finally become such a burden? Nevermind the name taunting i suffered in life, I'm fine with the lousy genes that i possesed which have wore me down greatly, it's okay to be lacking in the brain department and also being born with some injuries here and there . But seriously, to never achieve anything in life till now? is this fate? or karma from a past life? GOD's doing ( if there really is one) ? I cannot imagine how this is going to change in the next ten years... Am i going to single forever? I deserved it don't i?

I must have seriously done something wrong to deserve something like this... what's it like to jump off a 12th storey building? if i were to depart on a journey to hell, how many and who exactly will be there to send me off... probably no one... life is a cycle of birth, sickness, aging and death... lets say i cut short all this processes and jump straight to the last phrase... how many people will shed a tear for me? My very existance lies with me... struggling in this fuck up place call home?... how life would have been better if i was born somewhere else? maybe even some third world country... sure... i would have nothing to eat... no luxuries in life but i may actually be happier than i'm currently...

I hope things can change soon on my birthday which most probably is just another day for me and everyone of u... I need a turning point... the path i'm in is the gatewayl to destruction...

22 soon... i dun wanna be single!